Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
