just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
