I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
