I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
