Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
