so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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