Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
