A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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