i may or may not be watching the land before time
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Who died my cat blue again?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
