my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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