Betty ford says i'm here all night
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
