there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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