at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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