Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
