Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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