It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We have started to decorate penises.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
