he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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