I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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