so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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