Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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