You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
