Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
