why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
