So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
