I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
