Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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