bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
