Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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