i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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