I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
