Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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