Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
