i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
