you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
