So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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