you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
