So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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