I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was CRYING into my vagina
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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