my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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