So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
