How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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