awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize