What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You dont lie about slip and slides
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
