3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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