I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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