I wish my penis had an off switch
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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