Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
