i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
