a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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