I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
