I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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