im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
