3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
