Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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