Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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