Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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