You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
