if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
