dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
