I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
