Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
