I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
